List #6: Bad Kids TV

Hrmmm, with that title it sounds more like a list of TV shows about or for Bad Kids.

Well, that could be interesting,* but it's not what today's list is.  Today is the promised counterpart to List #3, this being those shows that I have unfortunately been exposed to and for which I may never forgive my offspring.

(4) Max and Ruby.  Staggeringly cloying show about the day-to-day non-adventures of precocious big sister rabbit Ruby and her special-needs* little brother/ward** Max.  Watch in amazement as Max notices that Ruby;s pet chameleon has escaped its tank and he sees it change colors.  WOW!  Can you the handle the awesome excitement of Max PLAYING WITH THE HOSE?!?!?  Oh no, he may get wet!  My normal survival strategy here has been to imagine one of their neighbors barging in at any moment and pounding and pounding them with a shovel.  God I hate those boring, boring rabbits.  I'm still waiting for Bill Simmons to form a Max and Ruby support group.

* Technically not proven, but the dude definitely has issues.  He also waddles.  Rabbits should not waddle.


** The parents are never seen, heard, or even referred to.  Far as I know, the two kid rabbits just live on their own.  Ruby probably sells herself at night for food for them both.  Maybe they have a meth lab in the garage?  That would actually explain alot.


(3) iCarly.  In a way, I feel kinda bad about putting this on here.*  In many aspects, it's actually not a bad show. I mean, yes, the core concept of two tween friends and their tween boy-toy** who have a massively nationally popular video web program is beyond terrible.  Especially because the web program segments are painful to watch.  But the acting isn't really all that bad, the sassy best friend is a good character, and it's the kind of show where the sculptor big brother would unknowingly bring three convicts back home from his prison art-therapy class when they smuggled themselves in a giant sculpture of pants.  That's at least original-ish, right?

* Because I'm sure that the creators and actors will find out about this ranking and cry themselves to sleep for weeks.


** Really, the love triangle stuff here is staggering.  And yet this kid is resistant to all of it.  Freaking moron.  I assume the kid actor is actually banging the best friend actress.


My problem with this show is that it's one of the few that both of my kids like equally, which means that I've seen every single goddamn motherfrakking episode like 50 frakking times.  I know all of these characters better than I know my co-workers.  I could draw a goddamn map of their apartment.  I know what they like to order at the malt shop.*  At this point, I just cannot stand to even be in the same room as that show.

* Yes, the malt shop.


This is the thing about kids that people without them don't know.  And I've had this verified that it's not unique to my offspring, but everyone's kids are like this.  They can watch the same goddamn show over and over and over and over and over and over and over ad nauseum, and never ever get tired of it.  Never!  Man, just even thinking about having to watch one more second of this show puts me perilously close to a murderous rage.  When I was originally thinking about this list, I figured iCarly would be a shoo-in for the top spot, which makes these next two really even that much more "impressive."

(2) Shake It Up.  One of the Disney Channel's newest offerings, and an abomination against all that is holy.  It's actually not *that* bad, aside from the terrible writing, wooden acting, fake cardboard scenes, ridiculous premise, hackneyed outfits, and lowest-common-denominator muzak.  Oh, and the whole show is also pretty much a total watered-down ripoff of Fame! and Hairspray.*

* Disney is now ripping off Roger Waters.  Let's all reflect on that for a moment.

So essentially, this group of young talented morons achieves their life goal of.....being backup dancers on some ridiculous Disneyesque tween American Bandstand show.  Of course, with this being a Disney show they have access to the mouse's clone farm of ridiculously talented actor/singer/dancer tweens to draw from, such that these kids are ludicrously overqualified for the pathetic backup dancer job that they are thrilled beyond belief to get.  Maybe this is all a sales pitch to get more kids to be enthused to apply for that job as twirler #6 in the DisneyWorld main street parade?

(1) The Suite Life on Deck.  It is difficult to imagine that any show ever broadcast could possibly be worse than this dreck.  A spinoff of a show that was originally based on the "cute" antics of a pair of adorable rapscallion twins, this is what happens when the cute kids grow into awkward teens but somehow still retain an audience.

Having been in show business for years just by running around as stupid kids, the leads have never learned anything approximating acting and pretty much read their cue cards and stumble around.  Not wanting to point out this minor flaw, the rest of the cast was either deliberately selected for their inability or is dumbing it down to keep the twins from looking even worse.

The premise of the show is perhaps even worse - for some unknown reason, the entire cast of the original show has left the hotel where it was based, and is now on a cruise ship.  This includes the hotel manager, who is now some kind of bursor or something, the cute coat-check girl, who apparently no longer has to work at all even though that was a big part of her character before, the heiress who owns the hotel (and who is now palling around with the other kids who she essentially hated in the original show), and all of the hotel staff that we ever saw in the original show.

I suppose it makes sense if the idea was to just kill all of these very, very annoying people by putting them on a ship that you had lying around and sailing it off the edge of the earth.  Next time I'm forced to watch, I'm definitely going to have their impending doom on my mind.