Best Movies: Honorable Mentions

Okay, I'm switching things up a bit here.  The lists conceit was fun for a while, but I obviously ran out of steam there on that idea.*  So now we're going in a related but different direction.

* What, me run with an idea for a couple of months and then get distracted by something shiny and wander off? How terribly unexpected, I know.


So I'm now going to switch it up and try sticking with my strengths in pop culture and making shorter posts on the best stuff in various media.  Specifically, the best movies, albums, songs, and tv shows.  Those are the ones I've ranked thus far anyway - if anyone cares enough to actually suggest other things that would fit in with the general theme, fire away.*

* Similar to ranking both songs and albums, I thought about ranking tv episodes as well as overall shows, before determining that that way lies madness.  I can hit my iTunes account as a good starting place for individual songs (since I have total OCD on rating all my songs), but trekking through wikipedia or imdb to try to remember which was the best episode of BSG et al. seemed a bit much.


Of course, any ranking of "best" is inherently subjective, especially in the arts.*  I'm not trying for universal truth here, just those items that I personally most appreciate.  While that isn't an exact analogue for the things that I enjoy the most, that is typically going to be the most important criteria.**

* Is it too hoighty-toity*** to describe Britney, Spinal Tap, and Glee as "arts?"  Do I care?


** Other criteria include how fiercely I would defend the actual merits of the item in question, cultural context, how well it holds up to repeated viewings/listenings, and how well it triggers other pleasant associations.  Of course, each item will be computed and tallied pursuant to specific scientific proprietary formulae.


*** That's a word, right?  It damn well should be anyway.


Before getting into the actual rankings, I first have short lists of items that for one reason or another* didn't quite make the cut for the top list.**  So this is the short-hit description of the Honorable Mentions in the movie category.

* Such as not being quite as good as the items that did make the list.  Innovative!


** How many items are on the lists?  Ha!  You'll have to check in after the honorable mentions*** to find out!  Do I know how to build suspense, or what?!?


*** So, based on my typical posting schedule, that would be September 2013.


Without further ado,* here are the 6 Best Movie** Honorable Mentions:***

* Wait, didn't someone say something about making these posts shorter?


** Any thoughts on a name?  Tom's Best seems like a bad strawberry jam or something.


*** In alphabetical order, of course.  Ranking the honorable mentions would seem to defeat the point.

HM Bring It On


Honestly, I was shocked that Bring It On didn't make the Top List.  Not only does it have Kirsten Dunst at her most sassy, Sparky Polastri's golden spirit fingers, and the immortal Eliza Dushku Funky Porch Dance, but there's a downright Shakespearean plot* involving betrayal, alienation, and general skullduggery.  In the end, while this is a movie that I'm proud to own and that is assuredly in my top 10 most viewed, it couldn't quite hold up.


* Note: Comparison may be overblown.

HM Monty Python and the Holy Grail

So....many.....quotes....

I actually feel kind of bad on this one, like I'm really underselling it.  Brilliantly funny and caustic and a wicked parody that also works as a straightforward comedy.  For what it's worth, it is my son's favorite movie (or at worst tied for him with another film that actually did make the list).  The credits and the Knights Who Say / Until Recently Said Ni are two of the best things ever committed to film.  I think the only reason this didn't make the list for me was the 70s-style "gritty realism" in the production values.  Other than when it was really necessary (ie the mud farmers), I could've done with less.....dirt.  #prissy

HM Out of Sight


The ultimate example of a "Style" movie, in terms of the coolsexy characters, laying out a transcendently ideal caper film, and as a perfect exemplar of Elmore Leonard's distinctive universe.  Assuming that I wouldn't be one of the bumbling clods (which may not be a safe assumption, of course), I would dearly love to live in an Elmore Leonard world.  Even if I wasn't one of the ultra-cool elite, it would be so much fun to watch and comment on their exploits.  This movie demonstrates that JLo can actually act when she wants to.  I know, I was surprised too.

HM The Silence of the Lambs


It's been copied so much that it seems hackneyed now, but at the time the use of Hannibal Lecter as the homicidal untrustworthy criminal consultant and the flawed-yet-tough heroine was breathtaking in its originality and execution.  This sucker swept the major Oscars (Movie, Actor, Actress, Director, Screenplay) and deserved it.  Seriously spine-tingling.  Thankfully they resisted the impulse to trade off of the critical and box-office wins by foisting on the public an unwanted sequel dealing more directly with Lecter as a principal character.*

* Go with me on this, okay?

HM Spider-Man

When I first saw the footage of Spidey web-slinging through New York, it was startling.  Yes, it was CGI (duh), but they perfectly captured the feeling of....well, not of actually web-slinging so much but of being 12 and reading the comics and imagining web-slinging.  The amazement of that initial impression has stuck with me, even though the movie came out 9 freaking years ago*  This was also one of the first of the new wave of comics movies where it seemed like they actually cared about being true to the characters,** which is nice to nerds such as myself.

* Cue obligatory "OMFG are we old" feeling.
** Contra the 1989-1997 Batman movies, for more on which see the excellent Remedial Batmanology series.

HM  Zoolander


I don't normally go for over-the-top ridiculousness in my pop culture entertainments.  I'm not a Pee Wee Herman fan, I never understood the appeal of pro wrestling, and Benny Hill seemed childish even when I was a kid.  But something about this blissed-out man-child feature hit all the right notes for me.  Not that it's difficult to mock the fashion industry or the top models that inhabit it, but the joy and fun that Stiller and pals had making the movie are obvious in the viewing.  Having that feature while still creating a watchable well-crafted movie with a discernible plotline is what differentiates it from everything that Mike Myers made since the criminally-underrated So I Married An Axe Murderer.

List #18: Best Diet Sodas

[Pointedly ignoring the long delay in posting]

For today, we have the World's Best Diet Sodas, ranked by said bestness:

(5) Fanta Orange Zero.  The best of the pure "orange" diet sodas.  Suitably tangy but with that unnatural "orange" flavor that tastes nothing like an orange but instead like fake orange-flavored things that we grew up with.  I am highly disappointed that their advertising agency seems to have forced them to move away from The Fantanas in favor of some crappy group-sourced 2004 Wii avatar nonsense.

(4) Vernor's Diet Ginger Ale. The only diet ginger ale with a true ginger bite to it.  Mixes perfectly with many varieties of Jack Daniels.*  I am also fond of how the linked website spends several paragraphs describing the brand's history of strong quality control due to family ownership, then notes at the end that it was acquired and is now owned by Dr. Pepper Snapple Group, Inc.

* Still making my way through last June's mammoth shipment of JD specialty brands from bargechasers and lockoutass.  Thanks again!


(3) Diet Dr. Pepper.  The original gateway drug for me and so many others into the fabulous world of Diet Soda.  Unlike most diet sodas,* especially those of the earlier days of the mid-90s, DDP actually had taste.  And not just any taste, but one remarkably similar to that of actual Dr. Pepper, making it remarkably simple to just slide right over.

* For example, Diet Coke, which as far as I can tell tastes like unsweetened battery acid.


(2) Stewart's Diet Orange 'N Cream.*  The diet soda version of the universe's best frozen treat.  Totally different from the standard orange soda.  It's not really a cream soda with orange flavor added but really is a creamsicle in diet soda form.  Not quite as good as the creamsicle milkshakes that we used to get at the milk stand in Waban,**** but still highly excellent and refreshing.

* As great as the soda is, it always bugs the crap out of me that they can't get the apostrophe correct.  The "N" is substituting for "and," meaning that both the "a" and "d" are being deleted, and thus both need to be replaced with an apostrophe.  'N' is correct.  'N is not, unless they are suggesting that it's Diet Orange An Cream.  Which they are not.**


** And you should listen to me, because I'm an expert.***


*** Seriously, I co-edited a book on the subject.  That can't really be too much of a surprise, can it?


**** OMFG, I totally recognize that building.  Wow.  Memories.  Love the old 'hood.  Sad that the bakery appears to be gone though.


(1) Boylan's Diet Black Cherry.  Nectar of the gods.  Long had I quested for the best of the diet black cherry sodas, and one day I wandered into a random bodega in New York to obtain lunch after a scintillating morning of document review in some faceless nameless conference room* and happened upon Boylan's.  It has the perfect mix of sweetness and cherry tart - so many overdo the sweet and just throw in a generic Red-Flavor instead of the real black cherry.  I spent years trying to track this stuff down locally** before finally convincing a kind-hearted order clerk at Specs to put in a regular order of several cases for me.

* Thanks to the Dark Gods that I have people to do those sorts of things for me now.


** Of course, you can order it from Amazon and the like, but the shipping costs for bottles of soda are a little too ridiculous, even for me.

List #17: Embarrassing Songs

There are a couple of things* that you should probably know about me.**

* Well, okay, probably more.  But these are the relevant ones today.  We will revisit more of my personal quirks and foibles later, to be sure.


** And since this blog is undoubtedly widely read by thousands who have never met me, I'm sure that you really need to be told these things.***


*** Dude, shut up, it's useful for narrative purposes!****


**** Okay, fine, whatever.  Geez.


First, I have some definite OCD tendencies.*  I like to order things, I like to know where things are, everything has its place,** that sort of thing.

* This must come as a complete surprise from someone who has a blog about lists.


** Which, admittedly, causes issues with certain spouses of mine who tend to carry things around with them through the house then randomly put them down and wander off.  Not that that bothers me or anything...


Anyway, before this gets footnoted into total oblivion, the current point my organizational impulses have leaked down into my iTunes account.  I have, as of this moment, 5,510 songs on there.*  I was originally going to rate songs along a nice little bell curve on the 1-5 star rating system that they have, but realized that that wouldn't work since, like most of you,** I only have songs on iTunes that I actually want to listen to.***  Thus, there just aren't going to be many 1- or 2-star songs.

* Go on, impress me with how many more songs you have than me.  I know you want to.


** Excepting dulinor, obviously.


*** Admittedly, there are some on the list that I own for either bloody-minded completeness or for the express purpose of causing pain to other people by playing them, like, say, this or this.****


**** Don't talk to me if you clicked on either of those.  You have only yourself to blame.  You were warned.   And no, I don't have this on iTunes, thank you very much.


I'm not doing very well at avoiding the footnoteapalooza today am I?  Oh well.  So, where was I?  Right, iTunes.  Having abandoned the whole bell curve concept, I did decide to keep a running limit of 100 songs to which I would grant the precious 5-star rating.*  That was enough to satiate the inner craving for order and completeness, while also giving me a rejoinder to B, who would often note that I would say that roughly one-third of the songs that came on the radio were one of my all-time favorites.**

* And let me tell you, those artists are soooo thrilled when they find out that they have been so designated.  More than a few have simply broken down in tears.


** Of course, as is the way with most things, this all ended up working better for her, as now that I have a list of 100 - most of which don't receive much or any radio play - and thus I've largely stopped saying that.  She plays me like a fiddle.


The second thing you should know* is that I have no sense of personal shame.

Now, I should clarify that.  I have the capacity for shame** and can become embarrassed by misstatements or the like.  But in matters of personal taste, I am who I am, I like what I like, and that's that.***  I'm not going to feel bad because I listen to teenpop or read various trashy novels or watch some brainless tv. All part of the Tom experience.

* Remember, from like 400 words ago, there were two things?  Maybe I should consider endnotes.  Or therapy.  Perhaps both?


** Again, contra dulinor.


*** Hooray for tautologies!


Notwithstanding my acceptance of myself and my pop culture tastes, however, I do not lack self-awareness.  I know that certain things are simply not to be enjoyed by serious people, or at least are meant to be enjoyed only ironically.  I just choose to opt out of that frankly weary mode of interacting with the world and just embrace those things which bring me joy, however ridiculous, pathetic, or simplistic they may be.

I therefore present to you, those songs ranked within my personal Top 100 that any sane human would only listen to in the closet of an empty house late at night, and then only on headphones - ranked by how much I should be (but am not) embarrassed that I love it:

 (9) Anticipating by Britney Spears.*  I am guessing that roughly 66.874% of you were thinking "Okay, get on with listing the Britney" about two asterisks into this post.  Shockingly, this is the only 5-star effort from the teen vixen,** although I do of course have quite the collection of her songs.  This song, a zippy weightless pop anthem about, you know, having fun 'n' stuff, was unquestionably the best thing to come from her 2002 movie.***

* My goodness, that video.  I think my affection for the song about halved just from the craptacular intro video alone, let alone the ridiculous backup dancers that show just how non-talented Brit was as a dancer even back in 2001.  And those costumes.  I need to go rinse my eyes out with Classic Britney. ....ahhhh, much better.


** Honestly, I'm not even sure she was still a teen for this song.  I choose to believe she was, though.  Looking her up in Wikipedia or something would just be depressing.  On multiple levels.


*** 14% freshness rating!  Impressive!  And, no, I was never tempted to see it.


(8) Honey by Mariah Carey.*  More pop fluff here, but it's a fun, bouncy song that's easy to listen to and it has a good beat.  Mariah has always had great vocal chops, but she doesn't do too many of her trademark showy-but-overwhelming vocal trills on this track.  I would never say this is an objectively great song, but it's silly and fun and uplifting and I smile when it comes up on iTunes.  What more can you really ask for?  For what it's worth, I also note that this song was from the before before Ms. Carey went totally nutso.

* Now that is a video.  Who hasn't wanted to do a faux Bond video, after all.  And the, um, scenery is fantastic.  I could do without the "acting" in the intro, but that's why God gave us fast-forward. 

(7) Looking Through Patient Eyes by P.M. Dawn.*  Soft-tone soulful rap layered on top of sampled George Michael.  I was never sure if these guys were actually taking themselves seriously, especially with all the goth stuff going on and the frankly ludicrous lyrics intoned in that quiet-but-serious tone.  They sure look like they mean it, but it could still be an elaborate joke.**  But notwithstanding the inherent ridiculousness of it all, I actually love the song - the vocals are just right to work with the just-understated-enough beat and the ever-present George Michael backing.  I think I may be the biggest remaining P.M. Dawn fan.***

* Not much to say about this typical early-90s video.  Nice high-top fade though.


** Of course, I could be trying too hard to convince myself that they're not so stupid as to really think they're being deep with stuff like "You seem illiterate to all my emotions / I stand corrected - how well you read."


*** I tried playing a bunch of their songs for The Boy on a car trip recently.  After about three of them he asked if we could listen to "real music" instead.  Obnoxious lad.  No idea where he gets it from.


(6) Straight Up by Paula Abdul.*  This was all the rage in the second-floor Fayerweather** TV room in the Spring of 1989, let me tell you.  I'm sure that my affection for the song is influenced by recollections of those halcyon days, but it's also a solid tune with what at the time was an unusual instrumental track.

* Yep, Paula used to be actually talented.  Surprising, I know.  The black-and-white with experimental camera angles may be a bit much, but she can absolutely move.


** Glancing at that rundown of Fayerweather developments, I am officially outraged that they put single-sex bathrooms in!  What is the point of having Freshman dorms if you don't have bizarre things like unisex bathrooms?  Down is up, black is white, dogs and cats are living together.  Hrmph.  Kids these days.


(5) I Do'Wanna Know by REO Speedwagon.*  When I was a younger lad with a more mercurial personality than the staid-and-steady guy I have become, this was my blow-off-steam song.  Isn't that sad, really?  Other teenagers would be blasting Black Flagg or Judas Priest or at least the Beastie Boys, but when I was angry at the world I would crank up....REO Speedwagon.  I'm sure there is much deep meaning to be plumbed there, but I'm probably happier leaving it unexplored.

* In the name of all that is holy, what in the hell was that?  I am very happy to say that I had most assuredly never seen that video before.  Not only am I now dubious about my affection for the song, I am questioning my very sanity.  Yeesh. 

(4) The Promise by When in Rome.  The ultimate in breathy vocals.  Great to sing along to, especially for a geeky teenaged guy with a tendency to get crushes on his female friends.*

What really makes this song stand apart is that while most songs featuring over-emoting throaty vocals would drown them over with over-produced tricks and instrumental tracks, this beauty thrusts them front and center, and offers precious little else to even support them.  This is just the two guys trying to sound as earnest as possible with a driving drum-machine backbeat and an occasionally-appearing simple piano line.  There's just nothing there.

* Amazing how well that all worked out for me there, really.  Honestly, the whole ridiculously-inept high school crowd has done just astonishing work at getting themselves hooked up.**


** B excepted, obviously.  Poor thing.


(3) I Saw Your Mommy by Suicidal Tendencies.*  Yes, well.  How to explain this one.  It hearkens back to a simpler time, driving around in the Oldsmobile, trying to project cool, alienated teenaged angst.  I cannot for the life of me remember who could've possibly discovered Suicidal Tendencies and introduced them to us in the first place, but the opportunity to listen to rebellious music while also laughing at the (presumably purposefully) incredibly over-the-top lyrics** was too much to pass up.

Unlike various songs that I still associate with specific moments,*** there is no single instance of my youth that this brings to mind, but I do get a smile ever time iTunes comes up with it on the ol' shuffle.

* Stunningly, You Tube has no official video for this seminal skate-punk anthem.

** "The part I liked seein' the best / Was the rodents using her hair as a nest!"


*** For example, "Stress" by Jim's Big Ego will forever remind me of jamming out in the WCFM booth with megastoat and B_Mod at 3 am during Trivia.


(2) (Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection by Nelson.*  Mock Suicidal Tendencies all you want, but at least they did have musical talent.  They chose to use it to make ridiculous skate-metal nonsense for early-teenaged punks, but they could play.  Nelson....well, they had long hair.  Really, really, long hair.  Note that they even have to turn over the big guitar solo in their one song to some random studio musician.

Having said all that, though, I just find this song irresistibly catchy.**  The main running guitar line*** worms its way into my head, their vocals do match nicely, and while the song overall is fairly generic in nature the overall effect is different from pretty much everything else in my music library which makes it seem fresh.

* I think that Nelson may have moved to Houston.  I was picking G up from a sleepover this weekend and as I drove away I saw a guy emerge from the house next door, and I swear he had the exact Nelson hairstyle.  And stone-washed torn-in-the-knees jeans.  And a black leather vest.  I did an actual double-take. 

** Much like Hanson's "Mmmbop"....which, yes, I do like quite a lot (although not enough for the precious 5-star rating.


*** For the record, I don't think that they're really even playing that guitar line, although the video would seem to suggest otherwise.


(1) That's What Love Can Do by Boy Krazy.*  So.  Um.  Well.  I've spent the last 20 minutes trying to come up with some possible rationale, excuse, justification, or apologia for this one.  I've got nothing.

Obviously I have a soft spot for girl groups, but this is the Platonic ideal of inoffensive bubblegum pop.  It's silly, over-produced, and unoriginal but it's also peppy and silly and fun....and, well, that's all I got.  Some songs just generate an emotional response.  And while for most people that's Bach or Amadeus or at least Santana or something, for me it's this nonsense from Boy Krazy.  I am what I am.

* Wow, it must've taken them hours to pull that video together.

List #16: Excuses

Okay, fine then.  One megastoat demanded it, so here is a list of pathetic excuses for why I haven't updated this blog for so long, ranked by how likely you braying coyotes are to actually believe them:

(7) I am a modern Renaissance Man, with a variety of interests and passions, and cannot be tied down to any one pursuit for too long.

There is a grain of truth to this one, in my humble opinion, but it's more directly tied to inherent laziness and lack of focus than anything quite so noble as the pursuit of intellectual diversity.

(6) Compulsive perfectionism keeps me from releasing all but the best-formed Platonic ideals of lists out into the big bad world.

...and obviously, it's not like keeping to a schedule and regularly producing output would help hone my writing ability.  I mean, let's not be crazy.

Also, the idea of this blog having standards....well, come on, right?  You have read it?

(5) I fell out of the routine during the Arizona trip and didn't feel inspired to return to it.

Posting *during* the trip where I was actually cohabitating with upwards of 80% of this blog's readership seemed needlessly redundant, and then once I got back I figured we had still all had enough of each other for a while....

(4) I'm running low on good ideas to blog about

Like that's ever stopped me before, amiright?  While things weren't really grabbing me in a I-Must-Make-My-Feelings-On-This-Subject-Known-Forthwith kind of way, the whole point of this exercise* is to engage the ol' brain to think through things in a slightly different way and to hone short-form writing skills,*** and it's not like I am (or anyone is) at a lack for random opinions on all matter of things.

* Wait wait wait - there's a point to this?**


**  Whew, I was worried that we wouldn't have any self-indulgent asterisked asides today.  We are saved! 


*** Yeah, don't tell me how that's working out.  *sigh*


(3) Work has gotten busy

While I tend to think about and pre-form these things in my head while at home, driving around, etc, the actual writing is generally done from work.  Thus, with a big uptick in business the last few weeks, there are fewer intermissions during the day within which I can write, revise,* and the like.

* Yes, I actually go back over these and re-read and revise them before hitting publish.  Sad, isn't it?


(2) Those darn kids

As astonishing as I know it must be, and as much as CPS really should crack down on it, I do have an active hand in raising the two smallish humans that share my living space.  They've both started up swim team recently,* which means more travel to and fro** the local pool and waiting time there, and there is homework to be graded, and lunches to be packed,**** and all of the other day-to-day joys.

* Aside to those of you living in the Northeast and other places that cannot even conceive of having weather warm enough in early April to permit swimming outside: I mock you with my monkey pants.


** Said pool is actually the perfect walking distance for an early-evening stroll with Toby and The Boy, which is good exercise for all of us, so I don't begrudge it at all.***


*** Not that I begrudge any of this, actually.  Kids is teh awesome.


**** Normally they do the "hot lunch" thing, but being kids they crave change and thus get tired of that sort of thing after a while and crave hand-made stuff from dear old dad that he makes in a groggy blur at 6:30.  Honestly, it's amazing that I haven't just sent them in with a container of fish paste and a bottle of cayenne pepper.


(1) It's the beginning of baseball season (and fantasy baseball season)

Thus, actual Games That Count (tm) to watch, box scores to read and obsess over, a mlb.tv feed to optimize, and all that good stuff.  Also, because I'm a moron, I have multiple fantasy leagues to set up, pitching rotations to double-check, road managers to calibrate, and all that such and whatnot.  In theory, the fantasy stuff is largely done now and everything can just go humming along on that end and I can resume servicing you, my adoring public.*

* Well, other than because of all of the above reasons and a number of others that I undoubtedly forgot...

List #15: Arizona Eats

After taking a well-deserved* week-long** hiatus, I'm back!  I know you had all assumed that I had already lost interest and moved on to other passing interests.  Ha!  I bet I can keep at this for at least another week or two before giving up.  So there!

* Hey, I've been doing this for like three weeks now!  I need a break!  One man can only do so much!!


** Plus a day.  Hey, you know that first day back from vacation is always a bitch, right?  Besides, maybe I'm going with a Tuesday/Thursday publishing schedule now, huh?  You don't know.  You think you know, but you don't.  Thppppt.

Today's list is the best food I had while in Arizona last week with a bunch of people that you've all never met, ranked by....um.....how much I liked the meal?

(5) Garlic Knots at Salt River Fields by Talking Stick.  Simply put, you cannot go wrong with garlic knots.  You particularly cannot go wrong with eating garlic knots 8 rows from the field on a beautiful day in the shade.  While these knots were nice and garlicky, I have to acknowledge that their placement on the list over the also-yummy garlic fries at the Peoria Sports Complex is likely due to the feeling of accomplishment at actually entering Salt River Fields after a series of comical mishaps that resulted in a certain stoat and myself lingering outside the park with non-functional tickets for an extended period.

(4) Tonto Bar & Grill.  Excellent onion-crusted walleye.  Apparently, walleye is a highly-respected culinary fish, and not some kind of scroungy bottom-feeder as I had previously thought.  I love living in the future - it used to be that if you had a question about something on the menu you had to actually (gasp) ask the wait staff.  In 2011 there is no need to interact with other pesky humans - just pull out your portable supercomputer and look it up on the intertubes.

(3) Chino Bandito.  Shockingly low placement on the list for my old friend, but the top two were just that good.  Regardless, Chino would unquestionably be my top recommendation to someone coming to Phoenix for the first time.  The unholy fusion of Tex-Mex and Chinese was as excellent as ever (mmmmmm, Jade Red Chicken Quesadillas), and the snickerdoodles fresh and gooey.  Great, great stuff.

(2) Cowboy Ciao.  Excellent food, topped off by remarkable bacon caramel corn.*  While my salmon was yummy, in retrospect we should've stuck with just ordering plate after plate of appetizers, as the dungeness crab enchiladas were the best thing I tasted and the buffalo carpaccio and wild boar meatballs were also exquisite.

(1) Culinary Dropout.   A little trendier than I'm used to, but easily made up for by, well, everything else about the place.  The drink menu alone would've made it a highlight,* but the food was also well above expectations.  Nothing particularly outrageous in concept, but exceptionally well done semi-hoity versions of pub food.  Of special note, the soft pretzels with provolone fondue were a big hit at the table, disappearing almost before the plate hit the table.  The restaurant's remarkable talent level was also remarked on more than once, which always helps.

* Really, you can't go wrong with a Dirty Schoolgirl,** but Eric's Blue Ribbon Rhubarb was my favorite.


** I was then, am now, and will always be bitterly disappointed that Papa Funk didn't order a Virgin Dirty Schoolgirl.

List #14: Candy (Non-Chocolate)

Favorite candy, not including anything using chocolate,* ranked by how much I want to eat a pound of it right now.

* Obviously, ranking both sugar-based and chocolate-based candy on the same list would be crossing the steams.  And we cannot have that.

(8) Spearmints.   Classic hard candy with a bite to it.  Vastly superior to crappy Peppermints.  Only the finest restaurants have a bowl of spearmints at the ready for exiting customers.  I try not to embarrass myself by grabbing 10 of these on the way out....but am only occasionally successful.

(7) Candy Pumpkins.  The bastard cousin of the significantly more popular candy corn, the candy pumpkin is in fact far superior due to its higher chewy-center to waxlike-skin ratio.  The downside is that one can get incredibly sick after stuffing one's face with 50 of these little bombs.  Not that I would know from personal experience or anything.

(6) Eyes of Terror.  I admit, these largely make the list due to the awesome concept.  Some marketing genius had to think "Gee, what else has the same shape as a gumball....I know - eyes!"  And then they put the death-skull in the center and drew in alot of ruptured blood veins.  Really, the execution on these is just incredible.  As for the actual candy execution?  Hey, it's a gumball.  If it's not stale, it provides 5-10 minutes of chewing satisfaction.  If it's stale, it's tile grout.

(5) Skittles.  I have absolute faith that I have reams of information that I could tell you about skittles that you not only don't already know, but that you would be incredibly interested in learning.  I'm just not ready to share that with you at this time.

(4) Spree.  The rare candy where both the original suck-on-this form and the newer chewable are of equal value.  I used to pop these suckers like....um....candy throughout high school.

(3) Sweet Tart Jelly Beans and Ducks and Chicks.  The weird thing is, I actively dislike normal Sweet Tarts.  But the mixture of the tartness into chewy jellybean form is wonderful, and they're individually small enough that the overall taste isn't too overwhelming.  I have no explanation for why I like the ducks and chicks.  They're somewhat more calcified than normal Sweet Tarts, but really it's the same substance.  Maybe my psyche just likes the idea of biting heads off pastel-colored innocent duckies and chickies?  Maybe it's best to not examine that any further.

(2) Chewy Runts and Chewy Gobstoppers.  Ranked together because for all intents and purposes they're the same candy.  Thin flavored-sugar outer coating over an addictive chewy center than is made from a substance that fell to Earth from space.  These are also small enough that you can think nothing of shoveling twenty or more of them into your mouth over a couple of minutes, leading to the joyful tingling of hyperglycemic shock.*

* Note:  Hyperglycemic shock is not actually funny.

(1) Bottle Caps.  OMFG, these are the best thing in the history of ever.  Mild but distinctive taste, sugary but not that sweet, just the right combination of chrunch/chew hardness.  And they even have the added benefit of having some antacid features, so if you are prone to minor bouts of heartburn these are essentially the best flavor of tums ever!

Okay, I'm not doing a good job of selling y'all on the Bottle Caps, am I?  But seriously, they're great.  Would I lie to you?

List #13: TV Shows

Time to fall back on an old reliable: TV shows that I actually watch regularly.*  I'll rank these not by how much I actually typically enjoy them or look forward to a new episode**, but by how confident I am in recommending them to you, my adoring audience.

* There are, admittedly, some shows that I due rather like that nevertheless fail to meet this criteria.  Chuck and Fringe, for example, are both consistently good but for one reason or another I've allowed myself to fall way behind on my TiVo homework.  Burn Notice, Bones, and CSI also fall into this category.


** Thus avoiding some personal embarrassment at how high some of these shows might rank.


(7) NCIS.  Yeah, I know.  But it's so very watchable formulaic crap.  The acting isn't going to blow anyone away, but it's better than you would expect for a show of its type, the plots are somewhat less outrageous than would be typical for this kind of thing.  Don't judge me.  Stop judging me!!

(6) The Amazing Race.  Nominally edutainment (due to the world travel and periodical cultural highlights), this is really just a fun contest/race.  It's generally well edited to keep the tension going and there is enough film of the various teams to let them show their character - watching a "do-anything-to-win" pair get trounced by a nice team is extremely satisfying.  Basically, if you have any interest in the "contest" group of reality shows, it's much fun.

(5) House, M.D.  House used to be higher on my list, and Hugh Laurie is still every bit as excellent.  The formula is starting to wear a bit thin for me after 7 seasons though - there are only so many unique medical mysteries that can occur in New Jersey before I begin to get suspicious.  Maybe if I begin to think of House as a Münchhausen-by-proxy character, deliberately seeding bizarre freakish diseases throughout the area so that he can "solve" them.....

(4) In Plain Sight.  Classic flawed heroine, interesting but not ridiculous cases, office politics but no overarching evil conspiracy.  Well written, well-acted, just an excellent show all around.  And while it's yet another law-enforcement drama, there is not exactly a long history of shows about the US Marshal Service's witness protection agents.

(3) Castle.  Nathan Fillon.  Enough said, but the show is true to his (and my) aesthetic.  If you have any doubt, watch this clip and tell me this show isn't better than every other procedural out there.  Funnier and yet also more realistic* than any other cop show currently running.

* There are still accepted TV "reality" boundaries of course.  Only a certain amount of grittiness is allowed in prime-time network TV, and this is definitely a light-hearted show.  But at least they don't regularly use magic** to solve crimes.


** A brief digression for those of you who watch Bones: I like the show, and of course I'm a fan of David "Angelus" Boreanaz.  But every episode, the artist character who has somehow also become an amazing computer programmer makes a vital contribution by making 8 keystrokes and creating a 3D model of the dead body and the exact angle and speed of the death blow, etc.  It happens every episode and it was ruining an otherwise solid show for me, and eventually I had to just accept that that character was a wizard from the future and that she was using magic.  Yes, the only way to watch the show is to accept that a wizard did it.  I suspect that many other shows have the same issues (eg I know that actual forensic scientists can't stand the way that there is always some insanely rare fabric trace or pollen that only exists in one 200-foot area involved), but it's so blatant in Bones that it was really driving me crazy.


(2) Archer.  One of the best damn things I've seen on television ever, bar none.  Just be absolutely sure that the kids are sleep or otherwise out of the house first.  Freaking hysterical, in a terrible, terrible way.

(1) Justified.  Unique-but-realistic characters in tense short-term and long-term situations in backwoods Kentucky.  Perfect Elmore Leonard*.  All of the principle characters a frakked-up enough to be extremely interesting but not totally unpredictable, and the viewer knows enough of the back story to see why things may be unfolding the way that they are, but not enough to truly see what's coming.  The best show on television.

* The series is based on his books and he's a consultant on the show.