List #17: Embarrassing Songs

There are a couple of things* that you should probably know about me.**

* Well, okay, probably more.  But these are the relevant ones today.  We will revisit more of my personal quirks and foibles later, to be sure.


** And since this blog is undoubtedly widely read by thousands who have never met me, I'm sure that you really need to be told these things.***


*** Dude, shut up, it's useful for narrative purposes!****


**** Okay, fine, whatever.  Geez.


First, I have some definite OCD tendencies.*  I like to order things, I like to know where things are, everything has its place,** that sort of thing.

* This must come as a complete surprise from someone who has a blog about lists.


** Which, admittedly, causes issues with certain spouses of mine who tend to carry things around with them through the house then randomly put them down and wander off.  Not that that bothers me or anything...


Anyway, before this gets footnoted into total oblivion, the current point my organizational impulses have leaked down into my iTunes account.  I have, as of this moment, 5,510 songs on there.*  I was originally going to rate songs along a nice little bell curve on the 1-5 star rating system that they have, but realized that that wouldn't work since, like most of you,** I only have songs on iTunes that I actually want to listen to.***  Thus, there just aren't going to be many 1- or 2-star songs.

* Go on, impress me with how many more songs you have than me.  I know you want to.


** Excepting dulinor, obviously.


*** Admittedly, there are some on the list that I own for either bloody-minded completeness or for the express purpose of causing pain to other people by playing them, like, say, this or this.****


**** Don't talk to me if you clicked on either of those.  You have only yourself to blame.  You were warned.   And no, I don't have this on iTunes, thank you very much.


I'm not doing very well at avoiding the footnoteapalooza today am I?  Oh well.  So, where was I?  Right, iTunes.  Having abandoned the whole bell curve concept, I did decide to keep a running limit of 100 songs to which I would grant the precious 5-star rating.*  That was enough to satiate the inner craving for order and completeness, while also giving me a rejoinder to B, who would often note that I would say that roughly one-third of the songs that came on the radio were one of my all-time favorites.**

* And let me tell you, those artists are soooo thrilled when they find out that they have been so designated.  More than a few have simply broken down in tears.


** Of course, as is the way with most things, this all ended up working better for her, as now that I have a list of 100 - most of which don't receive much or any radio play - and thus I've largely stopped saying that.  She plays me like a fiddle.


The second thing you should know* is that I have no sense of personal shame.

Now, I should clarify that.  I have the capacity for shame** and can become embarrassed by misstatements or the like.  But in matters of personal taste, I am who I am, I like what I like, and that's that.***  I'm not going to feel bad because I listen to teenpop or read various trashy novels or watch some brainless tv. All part of the Tom experience.

* Remember, from like 400 words ago, there were two things?  Maybe I should consider endnotes.  Or therapy.  Perhaps both?


** Again, contra dulinor.


*** Hooray for tautologies!


Notwithstanding my acceptance of myself and my pop culture tastes, however, I do not lack self-awareness.  I know that certain things are simply not to be enjoyed by serious people, or at least are meant to be enjoyed only ironically.  I just choose to opt out of that frankly weary mode of interacting with the world and just embrace those things which bring me joy, however ridiculous, pathetic, or simplistic they may be.

I therefore present to you, those songs ranked within my personal Top 100 that any sane human would only listen to in the closet of an empty house late at night, and then only on headphones - ranked by how much I should be (but am not) embarrassed that I love it:

 (9) Anticipating by Britney Spears.*  I am guessing that roughly 66.874% of you were thinking "Okay, get on with listing the Britney" about two asterisks into this post.  Shockingly, this is the only 5-star effort from the teen vixen,** although I do of course have quite the collection of her songs.  This song, a zippy weightless pop anthem about, you know, having fun 'n' stuff, was unquestionably the best thing to come from her 2002 movie.***

* My goodness, that video.  I think my affection for the song about halved just from the craptacular intro video alone, let alone the ridiculous backup dancers that show just how non-talented Brit was as a dancer even back in 2001.  And those costumes.  I need to go rinse my eyes out with Classic Britney. ....ahhhh, much better.


** Honestly, I'm not even sure she was still a teen for this song.  I choose to believe she was, though.  Looking her up in Wikipedia or something would just be depressing.  On multiple levels.


*** 14% freshness rating!  Impressive!  And, no, I was never tempted to see it.


(8) Honey by Mariah Carey.*  More pop fluff here, but it's a fun, bouncy song that's easy to listen to and it has a good beat.  Mariah has always had great vocal chops, but she doesn't do too many of her trademark showy-but-overwhelming vocal trills on this track.  I would never say this is an objectively great song, but it's silly and fun and uplifting and I smile when it comes up on iTunes.  What more can you really ask for?  For what it's worth, I also note that this song was from the before before Ms. Carey went totally nutso.

* Now that is a video.  Who hasn't wanted to do a faux Bond video, after all.  And the, um, scenery is fantastic.  I could do without the "acting" in the intro, but that's why God gave us fast-forward. 

(7) Looking Through Patient Eyes by P.M. Dawn.*  Soft-tone soulful rap layered on top of sampled George Michael.  I was never sure if these guys were actually taking themselves seriously, especially with all the goth stuff going on and the frankly ludicrous lyrics intoned in that quiet-but-serious tone.  They sure look like they mean it, but it could still be an elaborate joke.**  But notwithstanding the inherent ridiculousness of it all, I actually love the song - the vocals are just right to work with the just-understated-enough beat and the ever-present George Michael backing.  I think I may be the biggest remaining P.M. Dawn fan.***

* Not much to say about this typical early-90s video.  Nice high-top fade though.


** Of course, I could be trying too hard to convince myself that they're not so stupid as to really think they're being deep with stuff like "You seem illiterate to all my emotions / I stand corrected - how well you read."


*** I tried playing a bunch of their songs for The Boy on a car trip recently.  After about three of them he asked if we could listen to "real music" instead.  Obnoxious lad.  No idea where he gets it from.


(6) Straight Up by Paula Abdul.*  This was all the rage in the second-floor Fayerweather** TV room in the Spring of 1989, let me tell you.  I'm sure that my affection for the song is influenced by recollections of those halcyon days, but it's also a solid tune with what at the time was an unusual instrumental track.

* Yep, Paula used to be actually talented.  Surprising, I know.  The black-and-white with experimental camera angles may be a bit much, but she can absolutely move.


** Glancing at that rundown of Fayerweather developments, I am officially outraged that they put single-sex bathrooms in!  What is the point of having Freshman dorms if you don't have bizarre things like unisex bathrooms?  Down is up, black is white, dogs and cats are living together.  Hrmph.  Kids these days.


(5) I Do'Wanna Know by REO Speedwagon.*  When I was a younger lad with a more mercurial personality than the staid-and-steady guy I have become, this was my blow-off-steam song.  Isn't that sad, really?  Other teenagers would be blasting Black Flagg or Judas Priest or at least the Beastie Boys, but when I was angry at the world I would crank up....REO Speedwagon.  I'm sure there is much deep meaning to be plumbed there, but I'm probably happier leaving it unexplored.

* In the name of all that is holy, what in the hell was that?  I am very happy to say that I had most assuredly never seen that video before.  Not only am I now dubious about my affection for the song, I am questioning my very sanity.  Yeesh. 

(4) The Promise by When in Rome.  The ultimate in breathy vocals.  Great to sing along to, especially for a geeky teenaged guy with a tendency to get crushes on his female friends.*

What really makes this song stand apart is that while most songs featuring over-emoting throaty vocals would drown them over with over-produced tricks and instrumental tracks, this beauty thrusts them front and center, and offers precious little else to even support them.  This is just the two guys trying to sound as earnest as possible with a driving drum-machine backbeat and an occasionally-appearing simple piano line.  There's just nothing there.

* Amazing how well that all worked out for me there, really.  Honestly, the whole ridiculously-inept high school crowd has done just astonishing work at getting themselves hooked up.**


** B excepted, obviously.  Poor thing.


(3) I Saw Your Mommy by Suicidal Tendencies.*  Yes, well.  How to explain this one.  It hearkens back to a simpler time, driving around in the Oldsmobile, trying to project cool, alienated teenaged angst.  I cannot for the life of me remember who could've possibly discovered Suicidal Tendencies and introduced them to us in the first place, but the opportunity to listen to rebellious music while also laughing at the (presumably purposefully) incredibly over-the-top lyrics** was too much to pass up.

Unlike various songs that I still associate with specific moments,*** there is no single instance of my youth that this brings to mind, but I do get a smile ever time iTunes comes up with it on the ol' shuffle.

* Stunningly, You Tube has no official video for this seminal skate-punk anthem.

** "The part I liked seein' the best / Was the rodents using her hair as a nest!"


*** For example, "Stress" by Jim's Big Ego will forever remind me of jamming out in the WCFM booth with megastoat and B_Mod at 3 am during Trivia.


(2) (Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection by Nelson.*  Mock Suicidal Tendencies all you want, but at least they did have musical talent.  They chose to use it to make ridiculous skate-metal nonsense for early-teenaged punks, but they could play.  Nelson....well, they had long hair.  Really, really, long hair.  Note that they even have to turn over the big guitar solo in their one song to some random studio musician.

Having said all that, though, I just find this song irresistibly catchy.**  The main running guitar line*** worms its way into my head, their vocals do match nicely, and while the song overall is fairly generic in nature the overall effect is different from pretty much everything else in my music library which makes it seem fresh.

* I think that Nelson may have moved to Houston.  I was picking G up from a sleepover this weekend and as I drove away I saw a guy emerge from the house next door, and I swear he had the exact Nelson hairstyle.  And stone-washed torn-in-the-knees jeans.  And a black leather vest.  I did an actual double-take. 

** Much like Hanson's "Mmmbop"....which, yes, I do like quite a lot (although not enough for the precious 5-star rating.


*** For the record, I don't think that they're really even playing that guitar line, although the video would seem to suggest otherwise.


(1) That's What Love Can Do by Boy Krazy.*  So.  Um.  Well.  I've spent the last 20 minutes trying to come up with some possible rationale, excuse, justification, or apologia for this one.  I've got nothing.

Obviously I have a soft spot for girl groups, but this is the Platonic ideal of inoffensive bubblegum pop.  It's silly, over-produced, and unoriginal but it's also peppy and silly and fun....and, well, that's all I got.  Some songs just generate an emotional response.  And while for most people that's Bach or Amadeus or at least Santana or something, for me it's this nonsense from Boy Krazy.  I am what I am.

* Wow, it must've taken them hours to pull that video together.